You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Jokes
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I have gotten out of a bed 365 times a year for 37 years
I have gotten out of a bed 365 times a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And no abs to show for it…
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Just heard that in the next year there will be a new device
Just heard that in the next year there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years,...
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I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
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My mom says it’s her house, but when it’s time to clean
My mom says it’s her house, but when it’s time to clean, it magically becomes mine too!
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Yo momma is so fat
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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My wife left me because I am too insecure.
My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
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I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go
I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go, „Hey Pop, I got a B in Reading!” He goes, „That’s a D,...
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Forget everything you learned in college.
– Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here. – But I never went to college. – Well then, I’m sorry....
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I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant, because
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant, because… I believe in myself.